Car makers often try to load their cars with features to impress buyers. Sometimes they overdo it. We get features that are not really useful, and at times plain stupid. Here’s a list of features that are offered in cars in India which we could easily do without.
Voice-activated headlamps and wipers
Everyone knows how to switch on their car wiper and headlights. Go and ask anyone who drives a car. You ask, “Sir, are you capable of turning on the headlights and wipers on your own? Ever felt the need to take a person with you to handle those complicated tasks?” Nope. Nahin. Illa. Pagal hai kya?
Some car companies disagree.
Some highly-paid buffoon decided that mankind had become so lazy and inept at flicking a simple stalk that they gave us voice activated headlamps and wipers.
Don’t get me wrong. Voice-activated controls are useful sometimes, say tuning the radio while driving. Or dialing a phone number, maybe. But turning on your headlights or wipers takes a fraction of a second, or maybe even lesser! Voice commands for these are as useful as skateboards for a cow.
Rain sensing wipers
Go stand in the rain. Can you sense the rain? Can you see the drops falling? Yes?
Well, apparently some people can’t. And for them, car companies have made rain-sending wipers that switch off when rain starts.
A normal person can figure out when it’s raining and turn on his wipers – primarily because we have eyes and water is not invisible (amazing right?)
In a country like India, where the probability of spit, water and various other types of unmentionable liquids landing on your windshield is more than twelve in one, rain sensing wipers aren’t very wise. As we know, car windshields are considered high-class toilets by pigeons and crows. And then a drop of water falls from somewhere and – Whoosh, Whoosh! – your windshield now resembles a painting.
However tiring and taxing it may be to ‘manually’ turn your wipers on, we average folk much prefer it that way!
The average Indian road is like a mini orchestra, being conducted by a bunch of five year old kids with batons and hollow steel utensils at their disposal. Amidst such a musical ensemble, it is a wee bit difficult for anyone to NOT get irritated by a cheap electronic voice can only be created by one of man’s worst inventions: Voice reverse alarms.
There is always someone in the neighborhood who feels the insatiable need to announce and share with the rest of the world, the joy he/she is experiencing while parallel parking their car. Some may argue that these noise-manufacturing devices warn pedestrians and passersby about a car moving towards them in reverse. Let’s be honest with ourselves – anyone who does not see a vehicle twice their size coming towards them deserves to be run over by it.
Yes, Yes I know what you are thinking: Sunroofs are so cool! But the weather in our country is not so hep. Its dust and dirt in North India, rains in South India.
So when you press that fancy button and open the sunroof of your swanky car, what you will witness is far less than awesome. Heat, skin burning and potentially hazardous sunlight (the kind that can fry eggs, if you are in Delhi during summer), various liquids from humans, animals, birds and machinery can now enter your car. It’s a matter of time before someone spits on your gelled hair via your sunroof from a bus window.
Sunroofs are useful for the average Indian only twice in a lifetime: One when you want to toss an empty bottle out of it and two, when your spouse needs some chucking out the sunroof.
You know a secret? No one notices how you start your car. Key or push-button. Your passengers are climbing in, adjusting their seatbelt, locking their doors. No one notices that you are doing a very demeaning thing – turning your car key and starting the car.
Is it tiring to turn a key? Does your shoulder ache with exhaustion when you turn the key, and it takes you a few minutes to drive away? Then you should not be driving a car.
Push-button start is again one of those features that make you wonder how lazy the guy who created the concept was. He, also, obviously cared for other lazy people a lot.
Push button start would make sense in a race car. But in cars that hardly make enough power to climb up a small incline they are, well, pretty damn useless. Turning a key and starting your car is so simple and effortless that we shouldn’t even be talking about this feature. Let’s all solemnly pledge to ridicule anyone with a car that has this feature and throw raw eggs at them.
Spoilers are actually quite useful sometimes. They help keep your car on the road when you are doing speeds so high that a certain amount of downforce is required to prevent it from leaving the road. What such an accessory is meant to do on cars that makes 80 bhp of power is beyond us.
Let’s forget what spoilers do in practice and look at the visual appeal. OK, here some spoilers enhance the looks of the car. But most of them are just vulgar. Is it a spoiler, or is it a table tied to the boot? Don’t answer it, please.
Fake air intakes and hood scoops
We’ve all played Need For Speed and other racing games, and know how these air intake vents and hood scoops help enhance the performance of the car. However, fake air intake vents and hood scoops are now more popular than Satyamev Jayate.
Not only do they don’t do anything. They actually make your car silly. Come on, everyone knows the Maruti 800 does not have air intakes on its flanks. It is an announcement that the driver is ignorant, and probably does not understand the difference between rexine and leather either.
It is obvious that many of you will disagree with the contents of this piece and will even try to justify some of the ridiculous features we’ve spoken about. But the world needs a lot more laughter and mirth, and these guys provide that.
What features do you think are useless and funny? Share your views with us, we would love to know!